"REAL-LIFE EVIDENCE THAT ZATARC MIGHT BE WRONG" or "MAYBE I CAN SELL COMICS SINCE THERE IS A POPULATION OF 6 BILLION"
Zatarc is the name of a former friend and current enemy who, among other things, hates my comics to death! She didn't seem to indicate such hatred back during the time when she was nice to me. But these days, she seems to prefer eating plutonium over reading my comics. Her whole deal is that my comics must be mainstream in order to sell. Of course she was wrong before and she's wrong now. For at the recent SNAP! comic arts festival in Dearborn, MI, I made more money than I have at any previous comic book convention I've ever attended. I attribute this monumental success to a number of factors. The most prominent of these factors is the fact that SNAP! was a convention for SMALL PRESS comics and other such publications, not a convention for mainstream and major comic book publishers.

The last comic convention I attended (official comic book convention anyway) was the Motor City Comic Con back in 2000 or thereabouts. I sold virtually no comics there because the focus of that convention was mainstream comics and thus most patrons there were looking for mainstream comics. SNAP!, however, had a focus on small press comics, and the patrons there were looking for small press comics.

Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Small press comics for a small press audience. And not only does that prove Zatarc wrong, but it further proves my population of 6 billion theory!! You can't expect all 6 billion people to only have an interest in reading mainstream comics, can you? And who knows. SNAP! just might be the first authentic step toward getting an audience for my comics. There's still a population of 6 billion!

"I CAN'T SELL COMICS, AND IT'S STILL PISSING ME OFF!"
OK, so you still think I'm a maximum asshole for complaining about my inability to sell comics. Well, all I can say about that is that -- as far as I know -- I have no ability to change your mind about that or any other issue. As I've said so many trillions of times before, there is a population of 6 billion. Along with that, I am psychologically incapable -- incapable at this point in time -- of believing that there exists no people who have the mentality to appreciate my comics. If I followed the "advice" of that enemy of mine I mentioned earlier, that would mean my comics would end up looking like most other comics. And now I ask, what's the point of doing a comic book that looks the same as everyone else’s? If my comics were like everybody else’s comics, they wouldn't stand out and they probably wouldn't sell very well because of the fact that they wouldn't stand out. I mean, why buy my comics if they're like the herd when you can buy virtually identical comics from a more well-known publisher?

But more to the pint, if I copied the style of "standard" comics, my individuality would be suppressed. "But, Yul. Most folks probably don't want to hear about your individuality." But I say that's not entirely true, because, among other things, there's a population of 6 billion! Are you saying that nearly all 6 billion people think alike? If so and if that's true, then that would mean I'm wrong to insist that my individuality be expressed through my art. That sort of thing definitely runs counter to my agenda.

Despite what doubts you might have about this, I believe that the world doesn't have to be the way it is, and comics don't have to be the way they are. “But, Yul. The world is the way it is, and comics are the way they are. You CAN'T ever change that." Are you sure?! I mean, folks probably used to say similar things to Rosa Parks: "But, Rosa. That's the way the world is, and segregation laws will always remain. You CAN'T ever change that."

Still not convinced that comics the way I do them should be able to find an audience? Of course you're not convinced. I can never persuade anyone to do anything. I have a better chance of being appointed leader of Stargate Command! Since that's the case, I often describe my life as being like the war between the Earth Alliance and the Minbari Federation.
( http://www.midwinter.com/lurk/universe/war-and-line.html ). It’s my life, and I think I have the right to spend my life fighting the (potentially) hopeless and useless battle of finding an audience for my comics. In other words, if you beat 'em, get the f--- out of there! Or if you can’t beat ‘em, too damn bad!

"I CAN'T SELL COMICS, AND THAT'S PISSING ME OFF!"

I can't sell comics, and that's pissing me off! "But, Yul. It's your own damn fault if you can't sell comics since you have such a messed-up attitude!" That may be entirely true, but what about the fact that there's a population of 6 billion? "What's that got to do with the price of software in Silicon Valley?!" Well, it has to do with the fact that the human population is so inconceivable immense that there should exist a small yet substantial number of folks who will buy my comics despite my mess-up attitude. That's why spammers are so successful. That's why telemarketers are so successful. Even though the vast majority of folks will reject their offers, enough folks do accept their offers to make their efforts profitable. Why can't I have similar results?

One enemy of mine once explained to me that I should make my comics conventional in order to sell them. I DON'T deny that. I again say, I DON'T deny that. But since there is a population of 6 billion, shouldn't I still be able to find some folks who can appreciate my kind of comics? I mean, I'm not asking to sell a million copies, but shouldn't selling a hundred copies be possible? Also, what about freedom of expression? "If you want to sell comics, you have to give the public the kind of comics they want." Well, my response to that - a response I very often make in this regard - is that we're supposed to be the human race, NOT the Borg Collective. If, for example, 1 percent of comic book readers are willing to give my comics a chance, then I'll be happy with that small and potentially substantial readership. Also, are you suggesting that I commit acts of PLAGERISM in order to find an audience from y comics. Some might have told Thomas Edison to invent inventions that have already been made. Because already-existing inventions are popular, inventing things that have never existed before would likely be unsuccessful. "But there's a difference between new inventions and new comics, so your logic is faulty." I'm going to disagree with that. Inventing is a form of creativity just as comic book production is. Both involve (or should involve) the creation of things that have never existed. Therefore, the differences between the two aren't really that big.

I'm stopping right here for now. But I will bring up my lack of comic sales later.

"EMOTIONALLY-CHARGED PROBLEMS AND OTHER RELATED DIFFICULTIES"
Emotions make smart people dumb, dumb people dumber and dumber people dumberer. And because I'm so emotional, I believe that emotions are slowing me down. Think of the incredible progress I could have made with regard to the quality of my life if emotions weren't such a huge factor. Instead. I'm overly sensitive and get upset over the most minor issues conceivable.

Similarly (or maybe not), some people think I don't take responsibility for my actions. I think I do (though it is very possible that I'm wrong). One time in 2004, I was titanically misinterpreted by some person on the alt.zines message board after he read a certain column on the Gen X web site about how stupid I think friendship is. He accused me of blaming other people for my problems. I did not do that. I was making an observation of what I see happening in the world. Duh! But of course that kind of thing happens often when nobody understands you. That's not an accusation against the alt.zines person in question. It's another observation. And of course my disturbed emotional state played a role in how that person misinterpreted my view of friendship. Or could that be wrong? I've been told by certain people that you can't make anyone do anything (unless it's by physical force), and people can't make you feel a certain way. I certainly didn't make that alt.zines person misinterpret my views on friendship. That person decided to misinterpret me on his own. Therefore, he is responsible for his actions in that area. Of course some of you may disagree with that assessment. To that I say, whatever.

And then there's the problem with my former friend Zatarc. The reason why she and I seem to be enemies is because she won't give me accurate information on what I perceive to be her vicious attitude toward me. Since I have no information regarding her true feelings about me, I feel compelled to conclude that she hates me as if I were Saddam Hussein. In reality. she probably doesn't hate me at all even though she acts like it. And unfortunately, I can't control her behavior. If she wants to hate me, she has the right to hate me. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

One major thing I hate about the Zatarc situation is the massive double standard that seems to be involved here and how it further exemplifies the horror and evil I attribute to this so-called "society." Yes. I agree that two wrongs don't make a right. But apparently, one wrong does make a right. That would explain Zatarc's attitude toward me. She seems to believe that the grudge she's holding against me is completely justified. But according to my values, one, two, three or more wrongs don't make a right. If my values are correct, then Zatarc is wrong for holding a grudge against me. And even if that's the case, I'm still a flawed and genetically-defective human being. I'm basically no better than anybody else. And whatever wrongs I do can't be justified anymore than the wrongs that anyone else does.

On the other hand, I could be wrong about all this. Maybe one wrong does make a right -- but only for certain people. So if I were to hold a grudge against Zatarc, that would be wrong. But her grudge against me is not wrong at all. Ho ve! I have seen the evil parallel universe, and the evil parallel universe is us!

Strangely enough, there is a slight chance that the Zatarc problem is solvable. As of this writing, I recently talked to Naquadah (pseudonym for another friend) about the Zatarc problem. He told me that he would talk to her to try to find a solution to the problem between she and I. If this works, Zatarc and I could be friends again.

Being a super-sensitive person seems to be a negative attribute according to many folks. And yet my therapist told me that my sensitivity is a "special gift" She also said it's a curse, so what can you do? For now, I can say that if I weren't so sensitive, there might not even be a problem with that alt.zines person nor a problem with Zatarc nor a wide range of other problems I currently have. Of course there's no guarantee that that would be the case. But at the same time, it does seem possible. In any event, I'm beginning to think that the Vulcans had the right idea to abandon emotions ("Star Trek is a TV show! There's no such thing as Vulcans!" "I know that, you bonehead! I'm Just using the Vulcan example to make my point!") Plus, if we were more like Vulcans, we'd mate once every seven years. For some folks, that would mean much less mating. For me it would mean much, much more.

"FRIENDSHIP IS STUPID"

Certain experiences have led me to believe that frienship is stupid. This is because it seems like I must follow other people's rules of friendship in order to be their friends. Meanwhile, said people are not required to follow my rules of friendship. This is a definite unequal relationship situation where the friend can impose their rules on me and I can't do the same to them. Of course in a civilized world, friends would treat each other with dignity, respect and equality. And they would COMPROMISE when they have disagreements. But since we live in a demented slaughterhouse of a world, it seems like only some people can maintain their rules of frienship, while others can't. And of course I'm among those who can't.

Before I go any further on this topic, let me now say to you that my view of friendship is an INTPRETATION. I am completely aware of the possiblity of error. I know there 's a good chance that my view of friendship is very wrong. I also know (assuming that I'm right) that there's no consensus as to the "true" definition of friendship. But even with all that being the case, the point here is that I'm expressing my view of friendship and my horrible experiences with it. I'm not here to tell people how to live nor am I intent on forcing people how to live. I just want to say what I think about friendship. It is my journal you know.

But anyway, let me get into some examples of how I've determined that friendship is stupid. But to explain these incidents, I need to do so in a way that will minimize my chances of getting into trouble with certain people. To that end, I have decided to use terminology from the science fiction television series Stargate SG-1 in place of actual names. So here it is.

First I will mention my unfortunate experience with former friend Goa'uld. My friendship with her began to disintegrate when Goa'uld sent me an e-mail that had what I perceived to be offensive remarks back in early 2003. Offensive remarks like (and I'm paraphrasing) "I'm always blunt about what I say" or "I never admit to being wrong." Those offensive remarks upset me so much that I decided to "take a break from Goa'uld." It also seemed to me that Goa'uld didn't believe I had the right to say no to her offensive remarks. Now the stupid stuff.

Not long after Goa'uld's offensive e-mail, I stupidly e-mailed a few friends (probably no more than five people) about her offensive e-mail. One "friend" went postal and ballistic over my view of Goa'uld's "offensive" e-mail. But worse than that, Goa'uld heard about the e-mail in question and got offended herself. (Duh!) And though she said she was willing to give me one more chance for our friendship, I decided to end the friendship because I'M A GENTICALLY DEFECTIVE AND UTTERLY FLAWED HUMAN BEING INCAPABLE OF AVOIDING MISTAKES!!!!

I'm sure a lot of you would say that Goa'uld was justified in her indignation. My only response to that is that we live in a world without consensus. I didn't think my e-mail about her was that bad. I don't recall using any profamity or other insulting remarks in the e-mail. But at the same time, what do I know? In a world without consensus, one person's justified rant is another person's insult and degredation. It's all very complicated. But the one thing I'm certain about with regard to that recent set of unfortunate events is that friendship is stupid.

Another incident that led me to the revelation of how stupid friendship is involved a former friend I'll call Zatarc. Zatarc initially was very nice to me. She had considerable interest in me and my art projects and was an all-around good person and such. But gradually, she seemed to lose interest in me. But things between us got substantially worse around November of 2002. While at one of the cartoonist group meetings I attend, I started whining just a little too much for the group promting Zatarc to angrily and hypocritally demand that I grow up. After that, I decided not to whine while at cartoonist group meetings. Nevertheless, Zatarc continued to ignore me. By April of 2003, I explained to Zatarc that I found her "grow up" remark very offensive -- as if she were telling me how to live. She basically said that she wasn't trying to tell me how to live, but was expressing her frustration toward my messed-up attitude. I was hoping she'd apologize, but she didn't. And despite that, it seemed like the problems between us had ended. Boy was I wrong, and boy was I stupid! Zatarc continued to ignore me. It was like she looked at me as if I had blown up the World Trade Center! Then around the fall of 2003, I asked Zatarc why she was still ignoring me. She said it was because I'm a whiner. Yup! Life is stupid, and people are stupid! And even though I rarely, if ever, whined in her presence since November 2002, that extreme bitch still thinks I'm a whiner. Computer, end program!!!

For both incidents, I will not claim to have the moral high ground. I will admit to making mistakes. I will also say I contributed to the problem of both. But that doesn't mean that Goa'uld and Zatarc are blameless. Or doesn't it? Whatever the case, I still say that friendship is stupid. There seems to be no compromise or fair treatment involved.

I once asked maybe 10 different people the definition of friendship. And as I expected, they gave me 10 different answers. If we assume that these 10 peole have the right to practice their respective definitions of friendship, shouldn't I? "But your definition of friendship is wrong. Their definitons are right." That may be true. But in a world without consensus, I don't agree with that. Plus, you haven't even heard their definitions of friendship, so what do you know? Goa'uld and Zatarc seem to believe that my view of friendship is wrong. And of course they have the right to believe that. But if I'm required to reject my current view of friendship, who's view of friendship should I adopt in its place? Goa'uld's? Zatarc's? Someone else's? "Adopt the general view of friendship that most people have." Sure, I could do that. But the fact remains that we live in a world without consensus. Goa'uld and Zatarc may have the same basic definiton of friendship, but they're not the same people. They both have unique experiences and therefore both view the world differently from one another. Hence, they constitute two out of 6.4 billion reasons why I'm always asserting that we live in a world without consensus!

Indeed, I hate friendship! I think friendship is stupid! Unless there do exist people who are willing to compromise with me on friendship matters, I'd probably be better off without friends. Being friendless would defintely suck. But being friends with people who demand that you live by their standards is even worse. But then of course that's what I get for living here on spaceship Earth: The biggest ship of fools in the universe. A planet populated by the human race: The ultimate manifestation of evolution gone mad!